foldingfittedsheets:

My friends Katie and Alex have gifted me with another ER story to share with you all.

You see, they have these friends. A couple. And this couple has a tingly lube that they love. So one day they’re about to get down and realize they’re out of tingly lube. So they go…. What do we have at home that tingles?

Now reader, if you ever find yourself thinking along those lines, please remember the sacred mantra: Horny people make bad choices.

They explored their kitchen. They found something that they felt sure would make a pleasant genital tingling. When my friends told me I buried my face in a pillow and screamed because what they decided to use for a little sexy zest was a squeeze bottle of lemon juice.

Presumably they doused the guys penis in lemon juice and then he thrust into his partner.

But it turns out.

Your face isn’t the only thing that puckers on contact with lemon juice.

Her vaginal muscles clamped down onto his dick like a fucking bear trap, latching on like a reverse knot that inextricably bound their crotches together for the foreseeable future.

And this was a problem not just because it probably hurt as she had effectively become a cock ring, trapping the turgid blood in his penis so he couldn’t go flaccid which would have resulted in nerve damage if they didn’t go to the emergency room.

So they go to the emergency room.

Now at this point I had so many questions because the sheer logistics involved. How did two people who were welded together at the crotch operate a car?

Their roommate took them.

I was I hysterics. How do you tell your roommate you just slathered yourself with lemon juice and got stuck together and he needs to drive you to the ER? I know they must have been in pain but it’s such a funny image. Did they call the guy in to behold their fusion? Did they text him?

Then I was like. How did they get dressed? How did they get to the car? How did they sit in the car? Imagining the crab walk of two people fused together at the pelvis had me in stitches but I imagine it was substantially less funny to actually experience it. How did they lay on a stretcher?

These details are not to know. In the end, they were separated safely and no one got nerve damage and now they are immortalized as yet another cautionary tale to not make decisions while horny. If you don’t have the necessary paraphernalia before you begin sex, go without if possible or accept that there can always be sex later to avoid a trip to the ER.