Yall gotta stop stealing. Not for any specific objective moral reason but because you fucking suck at it
Me (contract security): Hello ma’am
Lady: Oh hello sweetheart how are you 😀
Me: I’m doing great, thank you. Hey would you mind kindly taking that waffle iron out of your purse
Lady: How dare you. What the hell are you on about. I’ve never stolen a damn thing in my whole entire life
Me:
Me: Na’am my buddy two towns over called me about you an hour ago and texted me your license plate. We’re in direct view of six live feed CCTV cameras and the box is sticking out under your armpit
Me: I’m not gonna do anything if you walk out but the owner saw you nab it while he was stocking shelves and if he calls the cops I won’t be allowed to go home until I write a three page detailed report about it
Me: I’m fifteen minutes from shift change
Me: Please let me go home
Me: Kid PLEASE
Teenager (like 14-15): I don’t have anything
Me: I know you do. YOU know you do. This is not my first day on the job and you are not the best liar I’ve met. PLEASE put our toilet paper dispenser back
Teenager: Or what? You’ll call the cops?
Me:
Me: Kid your last name is printed on the ass of your volleyball pants and the nearest highschool rang for dismissal 20 minutes ago I’ll fuckin doxx you on fortnite
Me: I’m sorry sir I can’t let you in, the owner says you’re banned for stealing $500 in pork loin
Guy: I needed food!
Me:
Me: I understand, things are tight for me too. But if you’re short on groceries we actually have a lot of great free meal programs around town- my friend actually goes to this one on main street every day before work and she says it’s helped a lot.
Me: Would you like a resource guide? It’ll tell you what time the food pantry is open and how to access other free and reduced things you might need. Have you applied at the food bank?
Guy: Jesus Christ no, I’m not some freeloading bum
Me:
Me: Sir I don’t think I can help you
Me: Sir you have tattoos on your face just put the air fryer back and go
To everyone dropping by my inbox to let me know I’m a narc:
- Reporting on theft is actually a very small part of my job, and mostly I like being someone who keeps people safe from violent and aggressive customers, guests, and family members- it’s very rewarding work and I like looking out for people.
- There is so much more nuance behind the ethics of stealing than most people understand, even from billion dollar megacorportations, and very few of yall actually see where the impact is shunted off to, cause you know for fuckin’ sure it’s not the fuckass billionaires on top who feel the hurt first
- If the owner didn’t hire me to prevent crimes then he’d just call the police and I like to think “yo dude my boss wants to have the cops drag you out so so bad please just go for a walk or smthn come back tomorrow” is better than officer big dick pulling up outta nowhere
TL/DR: Whether or not I’m a narc is open for discussion but if I’m a narc then I’m the narc that will tell you “hey man this place hires narcs”
tags be like “anyone who stops people from stealing is a disgusting fascist and should die tbh”
but like. you’re already on camera doing it. oftentimes poorly. do you think your sheer conviction in the morality of stashing that frozen dinner in your hoodie pouch will conceal how blatantly obvious it is there?
the corporate machine would grind people into mulch for the most minor indiscretion if they could and the security officer that says “hey, that was extremely visible, you should really put it back before someone gets a real cop involved” is NOT the bad guy here.
shout out to harm reduction policies and mediators-instead-of-cops out there
amhrancas 