The Jeebs both trundle like Smooch did, a low-to-the-ground, rapid trot that becomes a scuttle when mischief is afoot.
Jasper’s “please stop, please put me down!” noise is a kind of…. It goes like if !_*’ was a noise. Tiny squeak, tense hitch, little “kh!” sound. Distinctive noise, Ihave only ever heard one other cat make it: Smooch. He did it to make a point about something he wanted. But it’s the same distinctive sound.
It’s not that I don’t miss Raleigh and Sid, of course I do. But Smooch was mine, attached to me like a hairy limpet, always there. And so I feel that loss physically so much of the time.
Normally the other cats of the household squeeze together after a loss and fill that hole, pulling the edges together so it can heal a little faster. So the mind doesn’t trip over as many gaps.
We lost all our boys, all of them, our dear boys. There’s nothing to close the wound but Fancy and the tenuous threads of affection between the Jeebers and us. It’s not enough.
I had a very bad couple of hours this afternoon thinking about those final goodbyes. Smooch went so easy and didn’t suffer beforehand. He passed out at home after a huge snack, during a nap with both of us on the bed. He never regained consciousness. That helps. But I miss him. I miss him in ways I didn’t expect, and so I wasn’t prepared.
I have two pale little shades in my house, who look so much like him, if I’m not really looking. I’m not sorry at all to have them. But it’s like his ghost roams with them sometimes.
The others we were going to look at were black and white. Not black tabbies like Raleigh or colorpoints like Smooch, nor quite solid black like Sid – the blacker of the two was fluffy which Sid wasn’t, the shorthair was high white. I wouldn’t have chosen to color match, if I’d really been choosing. But the babies came to us and I wasn’t going to say no to their little faces; how could anyone?
It’s just…a form of haunting. I would honestly prefer a genuine ghost.
All that said, I’m so happy the babies are here and I rejoice in how beautiful they are. Truly gorgeous cats. A hundred times a day I think how are such beautiful cats ours?
amhrancas 